How learning to trust myself changed the way I make decisions, protect my energy and navigate midlife.
A few months ago, I found myself staring at an email about an opportunity that, on paper, looked perfect. It aligned with my work. The people involved were wonderful. The timing seemed right. The potential benefits were obvious. Yet something inside me hesitated. It wasn’t a dramatic red flag, it was more like a quiet whisper. A sense that something wasn’t quite right.
Years ago, I would have ignored that feeling. I would have analysed the pros and cons, sought advice from trusted friends, convinced myself I was lucky to be invited and said yes. After all, wasn’t that what successful women do? They seize opportunities and make things happen. They don’t hesitate.
But this time I paused. I sat with the discomfort of not immediately responding. And eventually I declined. And nothing catastrophic happened. The world didn’t end. Nobody was upset. Yet what stayed with me was how different the experience felt. For perhaps the first time, I had trusted myself before I trusted everyone else’s opinion.
That moment taught me about discernment. Discernment is about becoming more self-trusting. And for many women in midlife, that may be one of the most important skills we ever learn.
The Hidden Cost of Being Everything to Everyone
Many of the women I work with are highly capable. They’re leaders, professionals, business owners, mothers, partners, carers and community contributors. They have spent decades becoming experts at managing competing priorities. They’re reliable, competent, dependable. And exhausted. Because somewhere along the way they learned that their value was connected to what they could do for others. They became skilled at saying yes to that extra project, to helping a friend, to the volunteer role, the committee and to the family obligation. Yes to being the person everyone could count on.
For a long time, I lived this way too. As a lawyer and later a coroner, responsibility was woven into the fabric of my identity. People depended on me to make difficult decisions, carry complex information and manage high-stakes situations. Being capable became part of who I was.
What I didn’t realise at the time was that capability without discernment eventually becomes self-abandonment. Because every yes costs something; whether it’s energy, time, or influences your nervous system. When we don’t consciously choose where our energy goes, we slowly give away the very resources we need to thrive.
Why Midlife Changes Everything
I often think one of the gifts of midlife is that it forces us to confront our limits. In our twenties and thirties, many of us believe we can do it all. In our forties and fifties, life has a way of challenging that assumption. Perhaps it’s caring for ageing parents while supporting children, or navigating menopause, or burnout, a health diagnosis, a divorce, a redundancy, a loss that reshapes your priorities.
For me, leaving a successful legal career was one of those moments. After twenty-five years in law, including more than a decade as a coroner investigating thousands of deaths, I found myself asking a question I couldn’t ignore. What am I doing with the rest of my life? The question wasn’t really about work. It was about alignment. I had spent years helping other people find answers. Now I needed to find my own.
That experience taught me something profound. The second half of life isn’t about accumulating more. It’s about discerning what matters.
Discernment Is Not Decision-Making
Most people think discernment means making good decisions. I don’t think that’s quite right. Discernment is not the decision. It’s the process that happens before the decision. It’s the ability to separate urgency from importance. Fear from intuition. Noise from wisdom. Expectation from truth. Discernment asks us to slow down long enough to hear ourselves think. Which sounds simple. Until you try it.
Because we live in a culture that rewards speed and efficiency. Yet some decisions deserve space. The bigger the decision, the more space it often requires.
Discernment is what happens when we stop reacting and start listening.
The Body Often Knows First
One of the most fascinating things I’ve learned through coaching, mindfulness and my own life experience is that the body often notices what the mind has yet to understand.
Think about a time when something felt off. Perhaps you couldn’t explain it logically. Yet there was a tightening in your chest. A heaviness in your stomach. An uneasiness you couldn’t shake. Most of us have experienced this. The challenge is that we’ve often been taught to override those signals. We call them irrational. Emotional. Overthinking. But what if they are just information.
I have learned that when something feels off, it deserves further exploration. Because curiosity is often where discernment begins.
The Difference Between Fear and Intuition
One of the questions I am asked most frequently is: “How do I know whether it’s fear or intuition?” It’s a great question. And unfortunately there isn’t a perfect formula. But I’ve noticed something interesting. Fear tends to be loud, urgent, catastrophic and usually demands immediate action. Intuition is usually quieter and is sometimes barely a whisper.
Fear says: “What if everything goes wrong?”
Intuition says: “Something here deserves your attention.”
Fear creates panic.
Intuition creates awareness.
The more we learn to distinguish between the two, the more confident we become in our decisions.
A Client Story About Self-Trust
Recently, I worked with a woman in her early fifties who came to coaching because she felt stuck. She hated her job but couldn’t figure out what to do next. For months she researched different careers. Completed personality tests. Sought advice from friends. Read books. Listened to podcasts. Yet she remained paralysed.
During our conversations, something interesting emerged. Whenever she spoke about potential jobs, her energy dropped. But when she talked about gardening, creativity and creating beautiful outdoor spaces, she came alive. Her face changed, her voice lifted and her enthusiasm became palpable.
The answer had been there all along. She simply didn’t trust herself enough to see it. A few months later she was made redundant. At first she was devastated. Then she realised it was the catalyst she needed. Today she is exploring a business that aligns with who she is and what genuinely lights her up. The breakthrough wasn’t finding the answer. The breakthrough was trusting the answer she already knew. That is discernment.
Three Questions That Build Self-Trust
When I feel uncertain about a decision, there are three questions I return to repeatedly.
1. What am I not seeing?
This question immediately shifts us from certainty to curiosity. It opens possibilities rather than closing them down.
2. What feels true beneath the noise?
What is the whisper trying to tell you?. What feels true for you?
3. If I fully trusted myself, what would I do?
This question is often confronting. Because deep down, we usually know the answer. We’re simply afraid to act on it.
The Wisdom of Paying Attention
Perhaps that’s what discernment really is. Paying attention to our values, our energy, our intuition and to the lessons life keeps presenting. To what expands us and what diminishes us. To what feels aligned and what feels forced. As I’ve moved through this season of life, discernment has become less about getting everything right and more about listening more carefully.
The older I get, the more I believe wisdom is not about knowing more, it’s about knowing what matters. And having the courage to choose accordingly. Because ultimately, self-trust isn’t built through certainty. It’s built through evidence. Every time you listen to yourself. Every time you honour what you know. Every time you choose alignment over approval. You strengthen the relationship with the most important person in your life.
You.
And perhaps that’s what freedom really looks like. Trusting yourself enough to choose wisely.
Your Invitation
If you’ve been feeling stuck, overwhelmed or uncertain, perhaps the answer isn’t to push harder. Perhaps the invitation is to pause, to listen, to get curious and ask yourself:
What am I being called to pay attention to?
The answer may already be waiting inside you. You simply need to trust yourself enough to hear it.
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